tomorrow

i'm flying to sf tomorrow. to see my dad. i got to talk to him last night, just a little. he doesn't have a lot of words but managed to get out "sweetheart". i told him i'm going to see him very soon. mom says he mostly sleeps when he's not in pain. she's doing what she can to make him comfortable. she told me it's good i'm coming thurs instead of next weekend. she thinks it's going to be soon, now. very soon. it's not looking good. as if it was before.

i'm scheduled to fly back sunday night. but i'm packing for longer. i'm packing my suit.

mom vacillates between a few mood/outlook variables. on one front, she can be optimistic. i.e. if we get him back into ucsf, he'll regain his strength. or, next week we're going to put dad back on the avastin. my responses to these types of comments are the polarities of either words of comfort or a gentle but firm reality check. i mean, why put him back on the avastin? to see if the tumor will shrink more? to sustain his life a little longer? why? this isn't a life. i know she hears me. sometimes i get through, sometimes...

the other variable is sad, defeated, with a tinge of the alarmist. though i know she's trying not to be. she wants to be a cheerleader for dad, for everyone, hence the ventures into pollyanna-land. but ultimately, the reality, & the unbearable sadness of it all, takes front & center. because that's where we have to be if we're going to deal with what's in front of us.

we all grapple with ways to cope i guess.

we talked about hospice, maybe somehow getting him home. if there was a way to make that happen. we'll talk to him about it when i get there. before mom called me, i'd been on the phone w/ my cousin mimi. she talked me through what hospice can do for dad. seems like a lot. earlier in the day, while talking to ames, i don't know why but i wouldn't listen to reason about hospice. now reason seems to have planted itself a little better in my mind. i don't know. i just want his suffering to stop. which means his end. but whatever gets him to that end now with the least harm, i'll take it.

for now i just have to get through the day. get through these meetings. try to stay focused. try to make sure i get sleep tonight. try to hold on to my heart & myself. until tomorrow.

xoxo