practice.

am fraught with guilt. was hanging out with amazing friends last night, one of whom i gave 2 of natalie goldberg's books to. has to be said, when i gave him the books, i'd gotten the same 2 for myself, so i could renew my vows to writing. while chatting, he asked me if i'd been writing on the regular, to which i had to admit, i really hadn't. not... regularly.

well, that's sort of stupid, now, isn't it? i supposedly remarried myself to writing & have taken maybe 5-10 stabs at it in the last month or so? i know i'm shamelessly attached to my camera but writing (ok, and drawing) was one of my first loves & i am betraying that love by straight up negligence.

so. in the long list of commitments i've made to myself for this year (among which are: growing-up my "casa" after nearly 8 years of inhabitation, framing my "art", learning to stencil & infiltrating the mostly male-dominated street art scene...), i have to make the writing happen more.

i also have to be realistic. the advertising job is, well, just a job. that revelation dawned rather harshly on me last year, when the limited upward-mobility & earning potential in my field became so glaringly evident. & rather than fret about being "stuck", which i do ad nauseum, i have to get positive. do this while also being surrounded by inordinately creative, talented and - in many cases - successful, both monetarily & otherwise, friends. it's been easy for me to self-deprecate about how comparatively UNsuccessful i am next to them. that's the cheap/editor's way out. the new-deb way to go is to 1) get over it, 2) feel strength from the beauty, light & creativity they bring to create more.

i can say it or i can mean it: i am blessed. i mean. i can draw. people. very well. am out of practice but i can always re-learn, never stop learning. i can write. or, i can write more, hence maybe start to write better. i can practice. and more than anything, i am inspired. by extraordinary, loving, inspirational people, the majority of whom want the best for me. (those who don't, don't need to be around me. or rather, i don't need to be around them.)

sooooo, to come full circle, part of natalie goldberg's writing practice, other than writing on the regular - keep those hands moving - is to develop a lover (in your head, not your bed, though either would be fine) who acts as a counterbalance to the everpresent editor (in your head, not your bed, and neither are all that fine, thanks). yeah, yeah, goldberg is super-earth-mothery-crunchy-tree-huggy, but part of what makes her great is that her applications for writing are applications for life.

i'll relinquish the guilt i feel for my negligence & use it as impetus. so recommitting to writing practice is all part of the plan to recommit to how i address life. relinquish coulda shoulda woulda, drive to can, drive to will. recommit to the love, to my first loves, to art.

so watch these lines. i'm using 'em to fall in love again. & for practice.