why

of all things, do we have to be pitching avastin? i do not have the emotional space to think about last year. & i can't stop thinking about it now.  the product that works for nearly everyone. except my dad. the product that made him worse, literally the final nail in his coffin. & i just miss my dad so fucking much i can hardly stand it. i am crawling out of my skin. i have to concentrate on a completely different pitch & i am possessed. unable to focus. spinning. it still boggles my mind that i'll never be able to lay my head on his shoulder again while we watch amelie, seeing his eyes light up with delight. if i ever bring my life story to the worth of the one he told, i pray that wherever his spirit is, i can send him my embrace of light & change, that he will know. i have to hold that dream so close in my heart that the hurt running through me right now will dissipate...

must. pull. myself. together. 

before i fall apart.